It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
