I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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