My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize