I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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