Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
