I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
