Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
