let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
