I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
