when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
