it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
