how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
