Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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