Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
