I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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