You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
