At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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