One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
