i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize