The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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