My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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