I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
