Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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