My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
