Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Randomize