just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
