Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
