just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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