I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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