Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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