I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Hippo gnu deer
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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