After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
