Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
