thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize