When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
