Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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