How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
