I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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