it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
