ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
