someone get that fucking seahorse.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
