I hope mine doesn't look like that
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
We are all done wearing pants today
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
