Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
