she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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