the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
i drank out of a bidet.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
