Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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