You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
