I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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