I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
