ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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