Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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