My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
The police scanner is talking about you again....
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
