Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
