It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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