She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
