then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
