Got a toothbrush?
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
