What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
