I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
