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That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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