he wants to bone in the snuggie
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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