I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
