dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
This is classic penis vs brain.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
