I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
