Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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