my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Randomize