How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Randomize
