I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
