Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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