Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
my being single is dangerous.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
