see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
