I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I want to walk on stilts...naked
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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