omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
