The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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