Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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