I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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