They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
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