I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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