we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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