Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Buhtt sex?
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize