Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
