I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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